Recently I decided to be more compassionate with my body and also with my food and so I decided to go completely vegan. I was worried that it was going to be difficult but honestly it’s been also easier than I thought it would be and I can already feel my body improving. For one, I’m running a lot faster than I have before. I’ve only experienced one night of this but my brain is excited to do it again and again. I’m also not feeling as sore as I once did. Another thing is my digestion has been pretty great and I have perfect little poops. It’s kind of gross but it makes me happy to see them so nicely placed into the toilet bowl in perfect ovals. I’ve also been a lot better about eating vegetables due to this diet. My period came late and I realized I needed more iron so I decided to make a kale, avocado and lemon salad which I actually crave now. I want to eat at least one every day to help with iron and iron absorption and I’m excited to get fancy with them and start adding other things like nuts and fruit. The way my brain is shaping me into thinking about my food and taking care of myself is simultaneously helping to also take care for the animals. I can’t think of anything more beautiful then that simple fact right there.
Day in Day out
I sit here and ponder
ponder… ponder… ponder… ponder…
Do I want this life?
I live to express, to free my soul, to make something that is my own
I live to help others aside from my small circle
I live to keep my mind open
I live to learn, learn it, learn it again.
Ok, I think you got it.
I live to break free.
I live to break free but from what exactly?
Creating Oppression. Small mindedness. That thirst for cash.
That thirst for food, for gourmet meals for a big fat ass juicy steak
That thirst to think your better, to think they are small are that’s just that
Engineer, Practioner, big fancy business man
That suit is fresh though
But … is that all?
Did you make something that was else?
What is it to be a perfectly fitted shape, do this… do that.
Do this… do that. Do this, do that.
Don’t be like that.
At least you know what your expectations are.
Not everyone can get the highest grade.
Gotta buy another fancy new suit?
I’m sorry for judging you.
Is there something wrong with me? For someone who has so many friends, a decent size family and people who love her, I feel constantly lonely. How can I be happy in a space with just myself? Sometimes I don’t have enough energy to entertain myself. The energy from lovers who hurt me, alcohol and the juggling of too many things all at once takes away from the love and energy I need to put into having fun with myself. I feel stagnant. Maybe I should move? Make a big change. Put my whole life into the washing machine and see what comes up after the storm. Or maybe, I need to just keep on doing what I do and be patient. Focus on what I want; to be healthy, to get deeper into my craft, to make a decent living, to find someone to love while not depending on them. It’s okay right? Everything is ok, I will find my way. Maybe I should pray.
I want to paint on a canvas so big that it consumes my entire studio and immerses the whole of my soul.
I’m unsure of my current position. I really though living in a venue, being an artist and being social often would make me happy. It was for awhile, but it is no longer satisfying. I want to nest somewhere, in a home that I won’t have to leave. Maybe I should act like my current home is my nest, even if it is brief. Maybe if I nest so comfortably, no one could ask me to leave. Maybe then I could figure out who I’d want to nest with, who could fill my nest comfortably. Maybe I’m crazy.
Maybe. Always maybe.
I’m not really sure why but I can not get over my terrible ex. I think about him every stupid day. I think about how him and his girlfriend and cuddling on the couch and laughing together. Why couldn’t I get that? I did get that, for three months but I also got the cheater, the abuse, the boredom. I am being delusional. The life he would have given me is no where near the life that I want. He’s also way too old for me and has no energy. He sleeps all day and never wants to leave his home. He’s a retired drug dealer and a 36 yr old. undergraduate. He’s filthy and mean and boring. He’s also incredibly vain and doesn’t have a single drop of humility. His friends suck, he has no family, he has no real skills. He’s horribly jealous. I could never bring that fool around my family in a million years. Watching him work out was the weirdest thing ever. He is still married and said awful awful things to her. He claims he’ll never get married again and by the time he does, he’ll be forty. gross. He’s way too old for me.
I live in the colorful city of Houston, a spectrum filled with a myriad of decadent hues of musicians, artists, dancers, comedians, fashion designers and powerful minds that put the palette of hues into motion. These movers and shakers transcend, give a richness and breath to a oil-ridden city, from sexy debauchery to fragrant, gossamer sounds that awaken the sleeping kundalini.
I’d like to give these masters a crown, not a crown of rank but a crown of merit. A crown to symbolize the strength and beauty of their art, created with the elements of their work. An aesthetically visual head piece to encapsulate the way they vibrate.
Since antiquity, many cultures of various parts of the world have adorned themselves with various types of gorgeous, symbolic head ornaments that represent a powerful persona within their tribe. Within the Houston tribe, their are many leaders, varying personas that decorate and infuse the senses of this city.
This project will involve a portrait photograph of each of the ‘crowned.’ There will then be intimate research into chosen person where an idea will be formed. The photograph will then be sourced for a painting and or illustration where an individualized head piece we be designed and crowned on each person. Crowns could include elements such as flowers, masks, face paint, animals ears, horns, halos, garbage, planets, strawberries, diamonds, candies, rocks, gold, waterfalls, Christmas lights, turkey legs, the elements are limitless.
I’ll be contacting each artist, if you’re an interested artist, feel free to contact me at Hannahibelnectar@gmail.com.